The Prep for the Inevitable
By: Prof. Zenix James

I know that most of you (and don’t even try to deny it) cry like little babies on the inout>side when you see anything related to the final Harry Potter movie: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

Personally, when the Harry Potter trailers come on, I get very excited and tell everyone in the room to shut their faces and respect the greatness that is Harry Potter. People understand that I will cut them if they do not obey. I expect a lynch mob is coming. I know, violence is never the answer, but Albus Dumbledore, the pacifist he once seemed to be, never said I could not threaten violence.

Continuing, I told many people that I was probably going to cry when DH Part 1 was released. They didn’t believe me. Why would someone cry over the first half of what is probably going to be the most epic movie of all time? If any of you rolled your eyes at my reference to DH Part 1 as ‘the most epic movie of all time’ you should be ashamed of yourselves. Nonetheless, they did not believe me.

And I cried like a grown man who’d just rode a skateboard the wrong way into a guard rail.

I shed a tear when Alastor Moody kicked the bucket: the powerful, slightly paranoid and deranged Moody. My heart broke when Hedwig sacrificed her beautiful snowy wings during that horrifying journey to the Burrow. Then, finally, I sobbed my wretched green eyes out when Dobby so gallantly rescued the Golden Trio and lost his life for them. I didn't even feel like an idiot crying hardcore in a movie theater over a house-elf. Dobby was THE house-elf. He was the man. Those who didn’t cry have no soul, you soulless creatures. Go join the Dementors and get some soul.

Moving on, the point of this article isn’t to relive my ability to spew forth salty water from my eyes over Harry Potter (however much it deserves it).

The point of this article is to prepare us all for the final, the end, the somber occasion that will be watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 in theaters.

I am not prepared. Most of us have grown up with Harry Potter. We were there in the broom cupboard with Harry, kickin' it with the spiders. We fought with Harry in the Chamber of Secrets. We were there when Harry found Ginny’s Chamber of Secrets; this is her shoe closet of course, a girl has to have shoes. We’ve been there since the beginning. Most of us over a decade! Now it’s all coming to an end. No more books or movies… The originals are gone, just like the picture Alastor Moody showed Harry of the original Order of the Phoenix. They’re all gone. Isn't this a cheerful topic?

Luckily, most of who and what I’m referring to isn’t going to be killed by Lord Voldemort, or tortured and permanently incapacitated by Bellatrix Lestrange, or blown to pieces like Benjy Fenwick or… You get the point.

I do not stand alone in my sadness! I will be one of the many who will be either dressed in somber black like Professor Slughorn at Aragog’s funeral, or one of those who will be completely decked out in their Hogwarts uniforms, Quidditch gear, professor wear, death eaters garments, ect. I will not stand or cry alone!

However, I have prepared a short list of must-haves for the release of the final…the very last…the only movie left for you all.

Things Needed To survive the Viewing of DH part 2

1.Human Companionship – You cannot see this movie alone. It is not wise. There must be someone with you who can appreciate the glory that is Harry Potter, and hold your hand when you both sob. Now, if you have friends who cannot appreciate the glory of HP…Toss them off the Brockdale Bridge. Oh, just kidding. It was destroyed by Death Eaters. Just toss them off something very tall! Play brick tag with them, you starting first!

2. Comfort Food – I do not care if you have to bring in a 42 pound bag of snowcaps; you eat your feelings. If you have to buy 14 Big Macs; you eat your sadness. If you have to buy a barrel of popcorn, all the theater’s candy and have to rent some pack mules to carry it all; you rock that pack mule.

3. DHPD – This stands for Designated Harry Potter Driver. No, this does not mean get Harry Potter to drive you home, he can apparate. What are you dumb? This means get someone else to drive you home, and not the person you were holding hands with, sobbing, because you probably cut off their circulation and they cannot feel their hand anymore to drive. Plan ahead. Actually, save one of your lame, non-HP-glory-appreciating friends (that you didn’t play brick tag with and now they’re all lying unconscious somewhere) to drive you home.

Those are the three things I think everyone should be in possession of before and after seeing the Final Harry Potter film. I’d say bring a box of tissues, like the single tissue Harry got for Christmas in Goblet of Fire from the Dursleys, but I’m going to be selling them before and after the movie to spin a profit! I’m such an entrepreneur.
Good luck, everyone!