Dear Snape,
I think I’ve fallen in love with a fictional character. He has perfect hair and is practically perfect. So what I was wondering is, do you think he exists in real life? He’s the only man I’ve ever been able to see myself marrying! I don’t think I can feel the same way about anyone else. What am I supposed to do?
Help!
Lost in Fantasy
Lost in Fantasy,
Learn what it is like to live in reality. Just because you want to live in a fictional world in your mind, doesn't mean that it is reality. People aren't perfect. You are an obvious example of that. If it is not something you can do on your own, then you should admit yourself to St. Mungo's where you truly belong, you freak.
- Snape
---
Hey Snape,
I was hoping you could help me with a little problem of mine. I’ve been playing this game in our common room and I kind of can’t stop. I’ve tried and tried, but every time I try to put the game away, I start playing it again. The one time that I managed to get the game completely packed up, I had it nearly back on its shelf before I ripped it open again. I have barely slept and it doesn’t seem like I will be anytime soon. I’ve been playing in between sentences here.
Addicted to Fun
Addicted,
Get a life and a brain. It's your own will-power that is lacking you buffoon. You've obviously lost touch with reality. Ask yourself where you will be in 2 years. Knowing you're a Gryffindor the only answer can be shabby, deluded, smelly and stupid. Especially if you continue on this path. I'll be glad to fill up your copious amounts of free time in detention. Someone needs to collect potion ingredients in the Forbidden Forest. So glad you've volunteered by writing this letter.
- Snape
---
Snape,
Problem here. Everyone in my house thinks that I’m a slacker because I’m always up until 4 am doing my homework assignments. It’s actually 4:30am right now. How can I stop them from thinking this? It’s not that I’m a slacker or anything; I just do my best work at night! What do I tell them to make them realize this?
Yours,
Sick of Slander
Slacker,
You have a few options. Tell them you're a vampire, which is probably true. Or just curse them because they are obviously completely stupid and irrational. Actually, take option two. It will be more amusing in the end.
- Snape
---
Dear Snape,
I am teased and ridiculed at school because I like action figures and fighting. Oh, I’m a girl by the way. All the boys call me names and the girls make fun of me. Even my own sister will join in their laughing and teasing. I just don’t understand what the big deal is if I prefer G.I. Joes over Barbies. Barbies are really boring and not cool at all. Is there really something that bad about a girl playing with boy toys? It’s not like I’m 16 and still doing it either--I’m only eleven! Just tell me if there’s something seriously wrong with me.
Loves Boy Toys
Loves Boy Toys,
Be content in knowing who you are. They are obviously the stupid ones in this instance. Give me a list of their names and I will take extreme pleasure in educating them on their ridiculous ridicule. Honestly, the only good thing about a Barie Doll is burning it, and G.I. Joe action figures at least represent a value in life over looking good and being a stupid air-head. I will send you my private mail address so you may provide the names. 5 points to Slytherin.
---
My favorite Professor,
My hair has recently lost all its pomp and circumstance, if you will. I know that your hair is always impeccably managed and beautifully presented. Because of my current situation, I’m sure you understand that I’m curious as to what brand of conditioner you use. I would love to have locks as soft and luxurious looking as yours. It’s really incredible how envious I am. Please, indulge me and share the brand.
Hair Fetish
What a horribly vain creature you are. Take a shower, that will certainly help your hair. Detention for such a stupid letter.
- Snape
Have a problem that you want to ask Snape? Simply email him at missabeechan@yahoo.com with the subject “Dear Snape” and your problem will be answered. * Please note: Do not send real problems, only fake ones. We here at Paw Print are in no way qualified to help with real life problems and are very sarcastic in our responses. Thank you. Coz really, we NEED them.