BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!
Pester Bother Annoy Ask Professor Snape Questions
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Dear Prof. Snape,
I have just started Hogwarts and need help. I am afraid of the potions professor, Professor Snapp! I don't know what to do! I just so terrified!
Please help me,
Terrified
P.S.: You have almost the same name as the scary professor. Are you related?
Terrified,
I've never heard of such a professor teaching at Hogwarts. All the professors are truly gentle, loving people. You should have nothing to worry about! I'm sure you're just overreacting. I bet that's what you hoped I would say. Allow me to make everything clear now. You will be hated. By everyone. Because you are afraid of something that's not worth being afraid about. I mean honestly, you haven't even started and you're sitting there cowering in fear. That shows that maybe you should just stay at home and never grace us with your presence. If you do show up... DETENTION.
- Snape
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Dear Professor,
Class sign-ups are coming soon and I don't know what courses to take. There are so many wonderful choices to make and I just can't decide. How did you choose your courses? If I knew how you did it maybe it would help me decide.
Ardeliah Longbottom, Gryffindor first year.
Ardeliah,
Get help with your indecisiveness. Obviously you can't make a decision on your own, without looking for help from those above you, or even your peers. If you can't make such a simple decision, are you sure you are in the right place? When you wake up in the morning, do you have to think whether to brush your teeth or hair first? If so, seek immediate help, because you are a failure. Now if you were asking as a way for me to tell you the easiest classes, good luck. After all, failing is a learning process.
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
Lately, I've had a real problem getting my wand to work. All of the practical work in classes is hopeless. I can't do any of it correctly and I think I might be turning into a squib. Can you turn into a squib? I mean, I used to be really good at all my subjects and now I'm afraid I can flunk out. Much more of this and I think I'll have a stress ulcer! Please help me!
Stressed out Sixth Year Squib
P.S. My wand is chipped at one end. Could that have something to do with it?
Squib,
Yes you must be a squib. After all, how many students can get to this point and not realize that if their wand is not in perfect condition, they won't be either? You're a disgrace as a wizard. Get your brain checked, since I don't think there's anything there worth saving.
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
My boyfriend is really rude. He like, won't give me any like, presents. You know what I mean? And like, we've been dating for a really long time. Like, almost a year! I just want to know he like, cares about me. Don't you think he should get me like, a nice bracelet or something? Like, is that too much to ask? I just wanted to have a guy's perspective on the issue.
Yours, Peeved off Girlfriend
Peeved Girlfriend,
I wouldn't give you anything either given the fact that you're an idiot who just knows how to use the word 'like'. Get a vocabulary and maybe you wouldn't bore him so much that he refuses to get you anything. Then again, you probably aren't worth it even if you did clean yourself up. Stupid Gryffindor.
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
My friends always want to go to Hogsmeade on the weekends to party, but I'm not really a big partier. I don't like butterbeer all that much and think the weekends should be used to get ahead on homework and assignments. When I tell this to my friends, they just call me a 'party pooper' and make me feel really bad. How can I convince them that partying isn't a good habit?
Or if I can't do that, can I at least do my assignments on the weekend and still be cool? I really want to be cool!
Party Pooper
Part Pooper,
You're a loser. Accept it. To make you feel better, I'll give you something to do on weekends, that doesn't involve opening a book or studying. DETENTION. Go clean the Hogwart's lake. Without a wand. Careful of the squid.
- Snape
Have a problem that you want to ask Snape? Simply email him at missabeechan@yahoo.com with the subject “Dear Snape” and your problem will be answered. * Please note: Do not send real problems, only fake ones. We here at Paw Print are in no way qualified to help with real life problems and are very sarcastic in our responses. Thank you. Coz really, we NEED them.