BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!
Pester Bother Annoy Ask Professor Snape Questions

Dear Snape,
Muggle Japanese drama shows rock. The problem is my girlfriend seems to think they rock TOO much. Instead of spending time with me over the summer, all she wants to do is lie on the couch and watch this weirdo man named "Pi". I mean... what does he have that I don't?! Please gimme some tips to make my girlfriend pay more attention to me.
- Replaced

Replaced,
Well it's not your girlfriend's fault that you are easily replaced. Obviously you don't have what counts to hold a girls attention. As to trying to get your girlfriend to pay attention to you, might I suggest Polyjuice potion coupled with singing, dancing and acting lessons?
- Snape

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Dear Snape,
I have an addiction with summoning charms. I'll admit that I'm too lazy to get off my behind and fetch whatever it is that I want. All that ever comes out of my mouth is "Accio [item]". I'm so lazy, once I even tried to Accio my friend over to the Great Hall. He was on a broomstick and well... let's just say he spent a night in the Hospital Wing. Is there any motivation to get me more active?
- Lazy

Lazy,
Absolutely. Break your wand. Lazy people are the bane of wizard existence.
- Snape

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Dear Snape,
Is it wrong to like certain greasy black haired men with black eyes and abnormally large noses? I have pictures of one specific man plastered across every wall in my dormitory. My friends say I have a fetish but I merely like to think of it as a strong attraction. I've even saved up a tissue he used, I've taken a few strands of lovely greasy hair, empty potion bottles that he's used, and I've even taken some of his garments (I JUST LOVE HIS UNDERWEAR. *FNGRLS*). Before I lose all of my friends, can you give me advice on how I can become un-addicted

P.S. If you're wondering, which you shouldn't be, I'm so not talking about you. I mean, why would I talk about you? It's not like you have greasy black hair, do you? I mean... I really don't like you. Who does?!
- Addicted

Addicted,
Check into St. Mungo's. Otherwise there's no helping you. Freak.
- Snape

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Deer Snap,
I think I am vary smrt but mi frends dont think so. I wantd to tri out 4 this 1 speling braynuthon but thay all told mi that I wuld nevr mak it. Wut shuld I tell them 2 konvinse them that I kan win in that kompuhtishun? I wish theyd just beleev me.
- smrt

Smrt,
Wow, you're stupid. Why don't you start back at first grade and work your way up slowly, with multiple tutors and a new brain? That's probably the only hope for you, because your friends are right.
- Snape