BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!
Pester Bother Annoy Ask Professor Snape Questions
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Dear Snape,
My brother is always sticking glue, tape, peanut butter, chicken feathers, and various other assortments of insane things onto my hair/foot/hand/face while I'm asleep or not paying attention. What should I do?
Yours,
Chicken Face
Chicken Face,
The Cruciatus curse works wonders. Or maybe the Imperius. But I didn't write that. Obliviate!
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
Everything's just so stressed by me. My mother got remarried for the 15th time in the past year, my duck's dying, too much school work, and more! It's just as fun as a barrel of scorpions, I swear. What's your advice to me?
Sincerely,
Stressed Out
Stressed Out,
First, please forward the name of your mother to me so I can stay as far away from her as possible. There's something seriously wrong with being married 15 times in the last year. Truly, what a ghastly display.
As to your duck, I would advise to put it out of its misery and enjoy it as dinner. Peking duck is a wonderful dish.
As to your schoolwork, I would advise you to never miss turning in an assignment for my class again, or it'll be worse than making you gut and clean 2,000 flobberworms without a wand like you had to last time.
Other than that, my advice to you would be to shut up and stop complaining. It's not that bad, you're just lazy.
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
The girls in my dorm room are all messy and sloppy. They're always telling me I'm a neat freak. I'm not sure what to do... I'm all stressed due to this. I love being neat, organized, and such too much to change.
Freak With the Clean Bed
Freak,
Your best bet is to ignore them. After all, when they catch bugs from being dirty little girls, you'll get your revenge.
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
Like, every girl in my year is a complete dork. They're sooo overrated. It's totally... just, ugh. Because of this, I have no friends of the same gender. All the fourth years think I'm overly self-obsessed and don't want to hang around me. And forget about hanging around with second years. As if. So what do I do?
From -
"Overly Self-Obsessed"
Overly Self-Obsessed,
Obviously the problem lies in you, because you're annoying me too. Given the voice you used in writing, it's obvious that you are an immature brat that is spoiled rotten. I would suggest a reality check. You can find it in detention.
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
I have a problem. Even with all my school work, I'm always bored stiff. I get bored *very* easily. I write owls to my mother asking her for things to keep me occupied, which would eventually wear out on me, but for the time being. She says I should go out and make friends, but I'm as social as a worm. She says I should go read, but reading makes me fall asleep. Any ideas?
Yours,
A Sleepy Worm
Sleepy Worm,
I have the best way known to wizard to keep you from being bored. DETENTION! I expect you to report to Filch every night at 6 pm sharp in order to get your daily dose of disgusting chores to do without a wand. That should take care of your boredom.
- Snape
Have a problem that you want to ask Snape? Simply email him at missabeechan@yahoo.com with the subject “Dear Snape” and your problem will be answered. * Please note: Do not send real problems, only fake ones. We here at Paw Print are in no way qualified to help with real life problems and are very sarcastic in our responses. Thank you.