Once Upon A Time... Gryffindor Year In Review
By Pandora Black

Once upon a time, there were four wonderful wizards, the best of their time. They were also the best of friends, and their names were Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw and Salazar Slytherin. They shared an ambition: to form young witches and wizards’ minds. And so they built a school, working together for a long time, until the day came when their students started arriving. Each chose those that they liked best, and then taught them everything in their knowledge. But one day, Godric Gryffindor expressed his worries about the future of the school once they weren’t there anymore, and so he took his hat off his head and each of the friends put a bit of their wits inside it, so that it would be able to sort the students as if it were the founders themselves. For some reason, the hat developed a tendency to put anyone off their rocker in the same house: Gryffindor.

Old habits die hard, they say. It must be true. Now, tons of years later after that time, the house of Godric Gryffindor is still the place where you know you will never find a sane mind. There are several possible reasons, but each has less sense than the previous one, so it might be better to stick to the facts. Some of them involve drunken professors in pretty purple dresses, so if you have a weak heart, please stop here. I’m about to explain why Gryffindors' hardly ever sleep – with images like these in our minds, it’s kind of hard to.

The insanity began even before the school year did, with a summer camp full of students who slept hugged to their pillows due to their fear of certain creatures known as “the Shadow People”, whose existence is yet to be confirmed. Not discouraged by this, members of Tent 3 plus Prefect Lily Padfoot claimed that the destruction of Gryffindor’s uncompleted towers (see October issue) was the Shadow People’s work. “I can hear their voices in my head and they’re telling me they did it. What, you can’t hear them? Well trust me - this has their name written all over it.”

Hearing things like this, it seems that only someone very brave would ever agree to becoming Head of Gryffindor. This “someone” is no other than Professor Nahyan, She of the Unpronounceable Name, who is known as Hat by everyone in HOL. This last September, she took the post of Gryffindor Head of House and has survived in it up to date, a feat worthy of admiration. Other additions to the staff were those of Professor Joshua Lorris, professor of Muggle Flight and a part of Gryffindor’s SUN; and Professor Ben Quaddler, teacher of Acting at the Wizengamot and Gryffindor Librarian, whose library assistants, Adele James and Jade Packer, accidentally disappeared while renovating the Library. The latter of who had a small confrontation with ex-Paw Print writer Gwyd Aerlyn about a rather amusing article she wrote back in February, has recently been promoted to deputy Head of House, and can be found working until late to make sure everything goes well. But those of you who wish to have Professor Ben with you at all times can contact me for a Ben the Evil Judge plushie (prices can be negotiated).

In spite of this, probably the most well-known promotion was that of Moraine Lee to *Big*Head Girl. If her constant complaints about neck pain are not enough to justify the term “BigHead Girl”, you might want to read Cynthia Stout’s article about this matter in Paw Print’s October issue.

Our beloved GQT also had some additions to it: Alentia Crystalis, Amber Mackenzie, Ben Ackerman, Jade Thaerd and Jade Packer, who joined the team (or, in Packer’s case, re-joined) at the beginning of the school year. It was an awesome season for Gryffindor Quidditch, with flawless technique from all members and very fashionable dresses on Seven Ashitaka’s part. However, the team had to say goodbye both to Seeker Cynthia Stout and the Quidditch Cup, which was snatched away from us by Ravenclaw in the final. While I’d like to congratulate the RQT, I’d also warn them not to feel so confident, as next year’s Quidditch victory will be scarlet and gold (cue cheerleaders).

October was a popular month due to every Gryff’s favorite celebration: Gryfftoberfest. This year, Airemay Speare came up with the motto “Normal doesn’t apply to us” to describe Gryffindor House, and Jade Thaerd’s Windy was elected as the mascot winner. But before you get the far-fetched idea that Gryffindors have organized and moderated parties, you should know that several students developed trauma during these celebrations. “Seeing Wylie and Humfrey B. sing a duet of ‘Oops! I did it again’ on top of a table was a bit too much,” confessed a peaky-looking student. “I’ve been having nightmares ever since – I don’t understand how Molly Grabau was able to take pictures of that and not jump out of a window herself.”

Professor Wylie Weasley, who is known for his Britney Spears impersonations (which are the ultimate means of torture) was, with Seven, the most affected by the staff’s decision to force the whole of Gryffindor’s male population to wear kilts, skirts or dresses at all times. Wylie and Seven, who wore such clothes long before the dress code was approved, were highly offended and took to pouting all the time. However, maybe the worst part was that Humfrey B., who was feeling left out, also took to walking around in skirts, causing stampedes of students running for their lives everywhere he went.

With the start of Winter Term came a new obsession for Gryffindors’: the Common Room Validation Thread. This began as an idea put forth by fifth year Prefect Missa Matz, as a way of keeping track of validated students. But on day two, tired of giving normal reasons for rejected students, Matz supplied us with the first snarky remark. It was the beginning of the obsession, as the snarkiness grew with every rejection. Soon Wylie joined into the sarcastic remarks, and followed Matz’s example of how to ask people to resign up correctly and amuse the Gryffindors at the same time.

Along with the validation thread, Gryffindor’s favorite pastime this year was probably harassing Eddie Marie Cheung, now known as Eddie Marie Valon or “pest”. For weeks, he questioned staff members on the reasons why suddenly everyone had agreed to call him a pest, but his attempts were fruitless, as the students kept teasing him non-stop, and none of them explained why.

However, what was probably the most important event this year in Gryffindor was the Gryffindor War between Carrots and S.P.O.R.K.s (Super Painful Objects Resulting in Killing) which started when Prefect Fern Davant expressed her intentions of taking control of Gryffindor. She lost no time in calling herself “Don Ferneo” and turning unsuspecting students into members of her Carrot Mafia. The war was declared when the Don kidnapped Hat. Then, Aelita’s Army joined forces with Missa Matz’s S.P.O.R.K.s to vanquish the evil mafiosa. Several weeks and a horrible banner lately, Missa infiltrated the Carrots and destroyed the Mafia from the inside. Even though the war is over, a group of ex-carrots calling themselves “the Rabbles” can be seen pledging their loyalty to the Don everywhere they go.

This year also saw the end of the Gryffmart, which was raided by Humfrey B. (who else) not long after Hat made it Professor Wylie’s responsibility. Wylie, being in Cloud 9 at the moment when Hat was explaining his new duties, was unaware that the raiding was all his fault, and lost no time in going to Hat’s office to complain. It was discovered that Humfrey used a combination of purple dresses, Britney Spears songs and Sir Nick’s greatest fears to access to the Gryffindor’s well-earned manes. It might have been Wylie’s ability to run fast or his sheer luck that saved him from the students’ wrath, but whichever it was, he managed to survive the aftermath of the robbery.

However, manes were not all that disappeared. BigHead Girl Moraine Lee was appalled to discover that the Seagulls that are mentioned in the Gryfftionary, just below the entry that describes Remus Lupin as a hot werewolf, were nowhere to be seen. Her investigation yielded some unpleasant discoveries and confessions, all of which led to the conclusion that someone needs to feed the Champion’s Horsey a healthier diet.

All in all, it was a productive year. I still think that Ms. Gwyd Aerlyn and myself should be worshipped for escaping the wraths of Professor Ben and Paddy respectively after our not-so-orthodox articles. Oh well. You can’t have it all.