Interview with the Fat Lady
by Wylie Weasley

As the dens well know, the Gryffindor Fat Lady seemed to have gone into a little bit of a celebratory mood with a game of hide and seek; almost. Admittedly, when the Gryffindor Fat Lady first approached me in my small (but much appreciated corner of the SPD office), with the idea of a Treasure Hunt type activity with her being the treasure, I was more than a little skeptical. However, after much discussion and bribing on the Gryffindor Fat Lady’s behalf, (she refused to allow me entry into the common room ever again - which I agree as a little drastic) I agreed to take on the idea as my activity to run for the Gryfftoberfest celebrations. The main problem I had, apart from having a very I-want-my-way Gryffindor Fat Lady to work with, was the amount of work that was required. The only solution was to turn to two members of Gryffindor house that I knew would definitely be willing to help me, only because they are never out of the office trying “to help”. I received help from none other than Sir Nick, our resident House Ghost, and our resident House boggart, Humfrey B.

The challenge, after much deliberation, was that the glorious dens of Gryffindor would hunt all over the common room and the school for the whereabouts of the Fat Lady. The dens would then keep a log of where and when they saw the Fat Lady, and then they would send their log to me. It was very simple, but if only the organization and planning of the challenge itself could have been as easy.

We shall now look at the opinions of the challenge from our three house guardians. However, there is one small problem and that’s the fact that the Fat Lady doesn’t realize our little challenge was only for the Gryfftoberfest celebrations. She has continued to hide, even to this stage of November, and having a very detailed interview with her will be difficult to say the least.

We shall start with the most cooperative of what I would like to call the “Gryffindor Fat Lady Hunt Team”, and that is Sir Nick.

Wylie Weasley - “Sir Nick, overall in your opinion, how do you think the Fat Lady Hunt Challenge went?”
Sir Nick - “I have to admit, it went better than expected. There were obvious problems from the start, like the Prefect that was left in charge of the challenge.”
WW - “Sir Nick, I’m sure you are joking. I was that Prefect.”
SN - “Of course, how silly of me to forget. Now I remember. Yes, it was you. Oh well, yes I stick with the previous statement. No offense of course, but only we guardians do believe that you only abuse our willingness…
WW - “Yes, as much as the readers would love to hear all about that Sir Nick, back to the challenge!”
SN - “Oh well I suppose, the challenge was vaguely entertaining, especially for myself, if no one else. To see all those dens running around trying to find the Fat Lady was hilarious. I did have to intervene on occasions because otherwise I felt the challenge would never end and I would be stuck working with that hideous prefect.”
WW - “Again Sir Nick, I’d like to remind you I was that prefect you keep mentioning. Anyway, as much as your opinion is greatly appreciated, I have to say good day for now. I have far more important things to do than to interview you. For example, I’d believe the house elves are always welcoming helpers in their chores.”

Well as you are all aware now, the difficulty we prefects have in working with these house guardians is extreme. Look at the way that ghost referred to me. Just because he’s been dead for a few hundred years, he believes he knows it all. I wish I had made him hide, and wouldn’t have announced for any dens to go looking after him. Maybe in one challenge I’ll make the dens have to get rid of that ungrateful little…after all, I gave him something to do for a month. Otherwise, he would have simply gone around moaning about not being accepted into the headless hunt, which we are all subjected to on a frequent basis. However, some of these house guardians were more appreciative of working with the esteemed SPD divisions.

Our much loved, especially by Ilona Littrell, Humfrey was very enthusiastic about working in the SPD office. I do have a suspicion that he expected to have the opportunity to cause havoc within the house by having influence over the challenge. One incident that springs to mind is a challenge set in the HELF room based within in the common room. This task was left to none other than Sir Nick, who Humfrey managed to confuse successfully. After the stipulations of the challenge were met, Sir Nick gave the whereabouts of one of The Fat Lady’s locations only to be informed by a very, in my opinion but not Sir Nick’s, funny Gwyd Aerlyn that he had made a mistake. Sir Nick was in a slightly angry mood for several days and refused to announce the actual whereabouts until he had got tired of me telling him to do so.

WW - “So Mr Boggart, the highlight of your time within the challenge would be…?”
HB - “Why Mr. Weasley, I would have to say when I confused the old fool, the know-it-all, that made me laugh, public humiliation, he actually thought it was his mistake for a while, until I told him. Not to put him out of his misery but simply because it was soooooooo funny to see his little beady eyes flare up in anger.”
WW - “Admittedly that was a very good highlight for all involved, but surely there was something else, apart from you enforcing public humiliation upon one of your poor house guardians.”
HB - “Yes, Yes, Yes! That Lady running around all month. I once told her to go and hide in the lake she was in there for three days, before s came back out finally realizing no one would looking the lake because the can’t breathe that deep under the water, how I laughed for days. Then the several occasions I took her Ladyship’s place in that frame, and refused entry, the chaos I was able to ensure.”
WW - “Yes, remind me, Humfrey, never to seek your assistance again you sad sad little, well what ever you are you a sad one.”

There we go; two house guardians down, and one to go. Now the Fat Lady kindly allowed me an interview as I knew her whereabouts. However, only after I assured her that I would not disclose her whereabouts, she I agreed. However, before I report to what the Fat Lady said, you should all be aware that the Fat Lady is hiding in the portrait of our PiC Rai hiding behind her big head.

WW - “So , your Ladyship, have you enjoyed your month as the treasure for most of Gryffindor’s attention?”
FL - “Indeed, I have my lovely Mr. Weasley, I thank you for giving m this opportunity.”
WW - “With all due respect, I did not have much choice. It was either give you what you wanted, or I would never see the inside of the nice, spacious and empty male dorm room.”
FL - “You know I was only playing with you. I would have admittedly banned you for a while, but within time I would have allowed you to reenter.”
WW - “Anyway, this interview is not about your sly tactics as to becoming the centre of attention. It is about the Den challenge, so please can you tell me the highlights of your month.”
FL - “Someone is pushy. Got our underwear in a twist Mr. Weasley? My highlight was the attention obviously, apart from simply leaving the frame. Now that job should be on some kind of job share, in 22 hours shifts something along those lines. Or I should at least be allowed to follow those muggle United Nations guidelines for working, and only work no more than 45 hours a week, me I can achieve that easily within two days. Any time of day I can be woken up be people sneaking out and such like, I was so glad of being able to hide in places and sleep. I look about three hundred years younger by being able to sleep the majority of the month.”

So as you can see, I shall not be looking to the house guardians again for help in my challenges I run for SPD. They all have alternative motives for helping me. None of them simply wanted to help a poor over stretched little SPD prefect. Oh no, they wanted the fame, the sleep, the opportunities to pull pranks and the opportunity to simply moan.

I do think that the challenge did go with a bang. The dens enjoyed the stressful attempts of me trying to empty their bank accounts. After my attempts to have unity, to have fun, to give the dens a first glimpse of a den challenge, I’m simply glad it’s over. Next year I know for sure I will not be working with our glorious house guardians. Instead, I think I will choose to catch up on the paper work of those students that I have prevented from furthering the story that our PiC Rai has a big head.