Tea Leaves
with
Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil

Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces

Aries-
*SWISH*

Parvati: It’s a grapevine!
Lavender: Is it?
Parvati: No, it’s just a rumor...
Lavender: Ha ha, very funny.
Parvati: Wasn’t it, though?

Grapevine -

Lavender: This month, you may be hearing quite a bit of gossip.
Parvati: About grapes!
Lavender: ...
Parvati: About... vines?
Lavender: Yes, Parvati. Both. *rolls eyes*

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Taurus-
*SWISH*

Lavender: A cat!
Parvati: Ooh, cats. Fuzzy, but clawed.
Lavender: How nice of you to state the obvious.
Parvati: *hisses*
Lavender: How nice of you to spit on me.
Parvati: *grins*

Cat -

Lavender: This month you will be quite... aloof and... what other traits to cats have?
Parvati: ... Flexible! You’ll be flexible!
Lavender: I suppose that works...
Parvati: And you may be seen licking yourself clean!
Lavender: ... Let’s just hope it’s not in public.

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Gemini-
*SWISH*

Parvati: A phoenix!
Lavender: Oh, how majestic!
Parvati: How colorful!
Lavender: How powerful!
Parvati: How flammable!
Lavender: ...
Parvati: Well, it’s TRUE.

Phoenix -

Lavender: This month you will feel... well, reborn.
Parvati: But without the silly inconveniences of not being able to talk, eat solid foods, or use the grown-up potty.

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Cancer-
*SWISH*

Parvati: Whoo! Whoo!
Lavender: ... Well, who then?
Parvati: No, that was owl speak for “Oh look, it’s an owl!”
Lavender: Oh, of course. Silly me.
Parvati: Don’t worry, you’ll catch on someday.

Owl -

Lavender: This month you’ll be seeming more wise than usual.
Parvati: And perhaps learning how to spin your head all the way round. So many uses for that, you know.
Lavender: Yes, but we’ll move right along so as not to give Parvati a chance to list them all.

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Leo-
*SWISH*

Parvati: O!
Lavender: Oh what?
Parvati: It’s an O!
Lavender: Oh!
Parvati: *giggles*

O -

Lavender: So, this month you might be getting surprised a lot.
Parvati: Like we were, when we saw this horoscope!
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Virgo-
*SWISH*

Parvati: It’s stuff!
Lavender: What stuff?
Parvati: Just stuff.
Lavender: *looks in teacup* ... The word “stuff”. Spelled out. In the teacup.
Parvati: Yes.
Lavender: Well, that’s certainly... some stuff.

Stuff -

Lavender: Right, so I can say with all honesty, this month some stuff will be happening to you.
Parvati: Yes, quite possibly, lots of stuff.
Lavender: But try not to go overboard on stuff.
Parvati: *nods* Right.
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Libra-
*SWISH*

Lavender: It’s a pretzel!
Parvati: How... twisted.
Lavender: Yes, indeed. And salty, too.
Parvati: Mine worked better.
Lavender: Umm, how incredibly good dipped in mustard?
Parvati: *pats Lavender* It’s the thought that counts.

Pretzel -

Lavender: So, this month you might find yourself getting all bent out of shape.
Parvati: Just try to relax.
Lavender: And maybe try dipping yourself in mustard!
Parvati and Lavender: *highfive*
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Scorpio-
*SWISH*

Parvati: It’s some grass!
Lavender: ... *sighs*
Parvati: What?
Lavender: I think Fate is purposely trying to give me a headache.
Parvati: Oh come on! There’s lots you can do with grass!
Lavender: *looks pointedly at Parvati* That you can apply to humans?
Parvati: Sure, just watch!

Grass -

Parvati: This month, you could end up chopped into bits by a lawnmower!
Lavender: *scowls* Do better than that, Parv.
Parvati: You could be ... growing this month!
Lavender: I guess that works... anything else?
Parvati: You could be, um, feeling rather trampled down this month!
Lavender: Ooh, that’s a good one, we’ll go with that!
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Sagittarius-
*SWISH*

Lavender: It’s some berries!
Parvati: ... Berrylicious.
Lavender: ... That’s not a word!
Parvati: Well, I didn’t have much to work with. What can you say about a berry?
Lavender: You could have gone “Sweeeeeet!”
Parvati: *blinks* How could I have missed that?! I think I’m coming down with something.

Berries -

Parvati: This month, you might find yourself being “berried alive”.
Lavender: *giggles* That’s not a very sweet thing to say, you know.
Parvati: Maybe I’m in a sour mood.
*both grin*
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Capricorn-
*SWISH*

Parvati: It’s a pyramid!
Lavender: Ooh, something I can *work* with!
Parvati: Yes, because anything that is associated with dead people is good.
Lavender: *stares at Parvati*
Parvati: What, that isn’t what you meant?

Pyramid -

Lavender: So, this month you will be surrounded by mystery!
Parvati: Maybe some mysterious dead people!
Lavender: Like . . . MUMMIES, Parvati?
Parvati: Ahh! No! Where?!
Lavender: *sighs* What, did you think zombies lived in pyramids, or something?
Parvati: I didn’t properly think about it! I changed my mind! Pyramids are scary!
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Aquarius-
*SWISH*

Parvati: It’s a shoe!
Lavender: I can think of no witty response to that.
Parvati: Give me a second... *thinks* Hmm, nope, I don’t have anything either.
Lavender: Onward to the reading, then.

Shoe -

Lavender: This month if the shoe fits, wear it.
Parvati: Where do you come up with those?
Lavender: I don’t know, it’s a talent, I guess. *smiles*
Parvati: All I can add is, er, *thinks* I still have nothing! NOTHING! ARGH. Just... imagine I said something funny about footwear. *nods*
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Pisces-
*SWISH*

Parvati: It’s a pepper shaker!
Lavender: Just a pepper shaker? No salt?
Parvati: Nope. Why, is that significant somehow?
Lavender: No, not really.
Parvati: ... Oh. You were just... making conversation?
Lavender: Pretty much.

Pepper shaker -

Lavender: This month, you’ll be spicing your life up!
Parvati: Or sneezing uncontrollably!
Lavender: Or both!
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