Boris the Socks' Multi-Ethnic Holiday Jamboree of Fun
By Cynthia Stout and Fern S. Devant

Boris is the resident entertainer. His talents include song, dance, and overall mischief-making. His manager, Miss Fern S Davant, and his owner, Miss Cynthia Stout, bestow their utmost love upon their darling sock. Fern sold him to Cynthia over the enchanted sock black market at a horribly marked up price, but Cynthia and Fern have been friends and co-owners since then, training him to be a performer and anxiety reliever for all residents of Gryffindor Tower. His adventures are sure to provide hours of entertainment as he haplessly walks into trouble at every turn of his Hogwarts experience.

The Gryffs were sitting around in the large comfy chairs in front of the fire on Thursday afternoon. Boris sat in a chair pondering some things that had been popping into his mind lately, watching carefully to make sure nobody sat upon him while he was in deep thought. All around him people where festively celebrating winter holidays, and he didn’t know what that was all about. He decided to ask Fern and Cyn to answer some questions for him. Even though he was the world's smartest sock, the simplest things sometimes confounded him.

After waiting for them for quite a while, Boris spied Fern and Cyn enter the common room from the stairs to the girls' dormitories. He knew they'd once again been up to something, but decided not to ask this time. There were more important things on his mind at the moment. The girls plopped down on either side of him and, in between laughter, asked him how he was doing.

"Fine girls, he replied. But I have been puzzled recently. All around me are people happily decorating trees, lighting menorahs, not eating, and wearing brightly colored tribal outfits. What exactly is this all about? I'm so confused about these holidays!"

"Well, they're holidays silly! Cyn exclaimed. Different people celebrate holidays for different reasons. Most of the time it has to do with their religion, but other times it's culture and/or race. Really, it's a time when you get a lot of presents--well except for Ramadan, which is the month of fasting celebrated by Muslims. Gah, it is sort of confusing huh Boris?"

AHAHAHAHA!!! Cyn, don't scare the poor sock. You make it all sound so serious. I mean each holiday is really cool. One you get to sit in a fat guy's lap and pull on his beard and poke his stomach. The other you get to play with fire!! The other you even get to eat as much as you can till you puke after dark. And another, you get to play dress up and wear these oddly colored stripey, spiffy digs! But of course you shouldn’t choose religions or any of that based on how much fun they are, its all about the CANDY!!! I've declared myself Jewish to eat those milk chocolate menorahs!"

"Geez Fern, you're horrid. Though, the candy is good! Oh! And eggnog! Don't forget to tell him about the eggnog! It's like, the most fat-dense drink in the WORLD and oh so tasty."

Fern said, You plug your blender in. You plug your blender out. You plug your blender in and then you shake it all about. You do the blender pokey and you turn your blender on. Then pour a smoothie out. HEY! Anyway, yeah, and you can put all sort of liquo..I mean liquid in it!"

"Wow, you two are no help, Boris commented. I think you've been into Missa's 'butterbeer' again Fern. I think I'm going to go for a walk to ponder this some more."

"Wait! Fern yelled after Boris. Don’t forget to take Buddha's Big Book of Wintertime Holiday's to help make your decision. It was the best thing I ever read. Shalom!"

As Boris walked away, Cynthia turned to Fern, "Fern, what does that book say exactly? Should we be worried about what Boris is going to do after reading it?"

"Ahh you worry too much Cyn!!! It has clear descriptive pictures of how to celebrate said holidays holiest traditions. Look! I made a dreidel!" Fern rhapsodized as she held out something that was clearly not shaped like a dreidel.

"Isn't it rather round?" Cynthia asked. "Hate to tell you Fern, but dreidels are square."

"Oh...well then it’s a latkes."

"I'm not so sure I want to be eating something I've sat on Fern."

"I'm not eating it, you can though!"

"I think I'll pass. Anyway, why exactly are you making a dreidel?"

"If you win, you get money!"

"Ah, well that explains it. My dear Fern, the money-hungry used-sock-salesman. You're quite an advocate of Santa, then, aren't you?"

"HECK YEAH HE BRINGS CANDY AND MONEY"

"I thought it was the tooth fairy that brought money..."

"What’s a tooth fairy?"

"Oh my, you're deprived. I'll explain later. I think you've missed out. So, what does Buddha's Big Book of Wintertime Holidays say about Kwanza?"

As Fern tried desperately to explain the winter holidays in her own depraved way, Boris was meandering in the halls...

Soon Boris found that he had completely exited the castle and was wandering aimlessly about the grounds. Finally, he sat on a large rock by the lake and began to read all the book had to offer. He found some of the things very interesting, and soon picked a religion. He ran back to tell the girls.

Boris entered the common room panting. "Guess what?!?!"

"Monkey butt?", questioned Fern earnestly.

Boris ignored the comment and turned to Cyn, "I've decided upon my religion. I am--"

Fern interrupted him mid-sentence, "I farted."

"That’s nice Fern, don't ever eat beans. Anyway I'm--,"Boris began but Fern interrupted again.

"It's wet too."

Cyn looked bewildered, “What is Fern? And GEEZ! Boris! Learn to finish a sentence! What religion have you decided upon?”

"Well, before I was so rudely interrupted---"

"Oh I really need to use the little witches rooms," Fern said as she sprinted out.

"Anyway," Boris began again, watching Fern's retreating form, "I'm most certainly Jewish! Well, their people where persecuted for years, made to build pyramids and stuff. Socks are persecuted every day, made to live under the bed and be placed on peoples feet. Same persecution, different feet."

"Ah, so you have a connection--you've walked a mile in their shoes. I'm liking it. Plus, they have some pretty cool food. But oh! Before Fern comes back, just let me warn you: Don't eat her 'latke' whatever you do.

Boris wondered, "What's wrong with her latke?"

"Ah, well, it tends to be a bit on the brown side..."

Fern suddenly appeared through the gryffindor portrait hole, a broad smile of relief plastered on her face. "Guess what?" Cyn asked.. "Boris is Jewish."

"AHHH like me?"

"No, he's really Jewish, not just a fair weather Jew like some people I know,” replied Cyn, staring pointedly at Fern.

"Pish tosh, Cynthia. You're barking up the wrong temple. I'm as Jewish as apple pie."

"Apple pie, Fern? That's Jewish? Eh, I guess it could be through marriage..."

"Psh, Cyn. Anyway Boris, how about we light the menorah, its almost night and that’s my most favoritist pyrotechnic/Jewish/shiny tradition in the world," Fern said, bringing out matches and a candle. Fern said a few words that sound like she was coughing (and she didn't know Hebrew so she very well might have been), and then she lit a few candles then passed it off to Boris.

Boris took hold of the match in his mouth, but conveniently forgot that socks, especially cotton socks, are flammable. He was trying desperately to light the candle--which is very hard to do without elbows and with a match in your mouth. However, being the talented sock that he is, he managed to light the candle he was trying to light. He descended with a triumphant smirk on his face; a triumphant, yet flaming smirk.

"AHHH BORIS YOUR ON FIRE!" Cyn screamed, concerned with the welfare of her favorite sock.

"OH NEAT!!! I mean...run around and circles. No, no, sit down and let it burn out...nooo. Oh, that won't do. What is it they tell you? Mop, slop, and coal?" Fern asked, in a befuddled state.

"Fern, sit down before you hurt yourself. Here's a lighter. Enjoy. STOP DROP AND ROLL BORIS! Stop running around! Sit down and roll around on the floor. No! Not like that! Pretend there's a pretty boy down there and prance around! There you go! That's better!"

Boris was soon extinguished, while Fern had managed to burn all 10 tips of her fingers, some of her ankle, and her eyebrows. "GAH," Boris moaned in frustration, "I guess I'm not meant to be Jewish."

"Hmm," Cyn consoled, "What was your second choice?"

'Ramadan was my second choice,"Boris said.

"Okay," Cynthia said with a smile, "Why don't you trot on down to the Hogsmeade Mosque and praise Allah?" Boris nodded and headed off. As he left, Cyn sighed, "Well, not eating has to be a lot safer than playing with fire, eh Fern..Fern?" Fern had burnt most of her hair off. Boris however, was having a grand old time, he praised Allah all day, and then when night came he began to feast. Soon though, he was getting weird looks.

"Umm, you’re a sock, and you eat with your mouth...what exactly do you use to wipe when you use the restroom?" an intrepid young boy finally asked.

"My mouth," Boris admitted dolefully.

The Muslim elders began complaining, and immediately, Boris was shunned. You see, in the Islam faith, you have to eat with one hand, and wipe with the other. Poor Boris trotted back to Cyn and Fern gloomily.

Boris traipsed into the room looking downtrodden. Cyn spied him from the comfy chair she was sitting in. "Boris, what's wrong hon? You're back awfully early! What happened?" Boris quickly explained the mishap at the mosque and sat dejectedly in a chair. "What can I do now?"

Boris began mopping the floors in frustration, cleaning was his favorite hobby. Fern began picking her nose in confusion, which coincidentally was her favorite hobby. "Well, you could try Kwanza," said Fern, flicking a bogie off into space.

"What's Kwanza?" Boris wondered.

"KAZAA!!!!!" screamed Fern. "Where?!?"

"Don't mind Fern, she's a muggleborn," Cynthia said.

After sending Fern off to run an errand--to find some palms to decorate Boris' room with for Christmas, Cynthia turned to Boris, "Kwanza is a holiday that is celebrated by African-Americans. They wear traditional native garb and dance around to traditional music and stuff like that."

"Oh I see," Boris acknowledged, consulting the book again. "Hmm traditional native garb." Boris scurried off to his room and returned wearing bling and fronts, bouncing around to rap music.

Cyn saw Boris entering the room all decked out in his bling, "Umm, Boris? What are you doing? You're worrying me."

"Traditional African-American garb, and traditional African-American music, my homy C-dog!" Boris said.

"I think your missing some key points here," Cyn groaned.

At that moment, Fern reentered the common room, "Yo what up homy?! You're so stylin'!"

"MY MAIN MAN FERNEE, wussup in the hizzouse fo shizzle?"

Cyn felt that she might vomit, so she had to intervene. "Kwanza is about celebrating AFRICAN traditions. You know, tribal dances etc. Not rap music and fronts, you posers. Clearly Kwanza isn't your thing either."

"Well what about Christmas?" asked Fern, "Christmas is the bestest!! Plus, it’s the safest!

“Oh yeah, the safest holiday: you know, the dead tree, with entirely too much electricity running around it, the hanging of socks in FRONT OF the fire, the placing of highly-flammable paper beneath the dead tree with the electricity running through it... yup yup--very safe,” retorted Cyn.

“Hey, it is for a sock. Well, unless you’re a stocking. He'll get stuffed and be all fat and like DIE!!!”

"Die?" Boris meeped.

"You know Boris, none of the religions mention socks. I don't think they love you. You should make up your own religion and be, like, GOD!" Cyn stated emphatically.

"My own religion...Borism, and my own Winter Holiday too!! MILK CHOCOLATE MENORAH AND EGG NOG DAY!"

Fern let up a cheer and began scooping her 'special' egg nog into ladles and they all laughed and forgot about such trivial things as religions and culture. At that moment they were all just happy, and slightly snookered.

**Brought to you by the Holy church of Boris the sock of footwashing Saints**