Ask Professor Snape

Dear Professor Snape,
I recently have had a huge problem with falling off of my broom. Do you have anything that could help solve this problem?

-Signed,
Sore Bum

Sore Bum -
You are an idiot. The only thing that can help you is getting better balance. Which is impossible. You'll never have a sense of balance. You're worse than Longbottom. Don't pester me with anymore of these stupid questions.

- Snape

Dear Professor Snape-
I have a problem. You see, I got a rubber duck about a month ago and he still hasn't got a name. I'm afraid he'll have an identity crisis soon, but I cannot think of a fitting moniker. Can you think of one for me?

-Signed,
Needing a Name

Needing a Name -
You are aware that a rubber duck is an inanimate object. It doesn't have feelings. It's not alive. It's made out of *rubber* for Merlin's sake! The only identity crisis it would experience is the one going through your head because you think you *are* the rubber duck. Which is just sick and twisted. Does that mean you play with your *ducky* self in the bath? Oh Merlin, that is just too sick to think about. You are a menace and you can use a couple of good shock treatments at St. Mungo's. Or actually, I will provide those to you in detention. Next Saturday you lunatic, be there.

- Snape

Dear Snape!
I like love to read your column, and I like reread it like every day! Is there any way I could get like a signed copy?

- Signed, Please

Please -
No.

- Snape

Dear Professor,
I keep falling asleep during your class, but I'm always awakened by a horrible smell coming from the front of the room. Do you have anything to help me sleep well through the night?

- Signed Sleepy

Sleepy -
You are the biggest idiot that has ever walked the face of the earth. Not only to admit that you fall asleep in my class but to even suggest that the smell of a good potion brewing is foul. I've seen you sleeping in class, which is why you never get anything above a zero. Now then, as for being dumb enough to actually ask me how to help you I give you this advice. Never fall asleep in my class again, or you will have detention until your Seventh Year. As it is, you and your idiocy just racked up six months worth of detention. Idiot.

- Snape

Dear Professor,
Mr. Ollivander has always emphasised on the importance of a wizard's wand. How long is your wand and what is its core? Can I touch it?

- Admiring Your Wand

... -
You are a sick freak. There is no helping a mind such as yours. You never ask another wizard if you can touch their wand! DETENTION FOR LIFE.

- Snape

Dear Professor,
I have been one of your best Potion students for the past 7 years, and I'm starting to wonder, why am I still taking orders from you? Everyone knows you're out to be the Defence Against Dark Arts professor. If that ever happens, can I have your job?

- The Future Potions Master

Wanna Be Me -
All I can do right now is laugh at your stupidity and your dumb dreams. Even if I ever do become DADA teacher, you'd never get a job here as a Potions Master. Ever. You think you've been one of the best in my class, but you'll never amount to my abilities, so in the end you are just out of luck. Might I suggest that you go work in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts department? That is about the only place you are likely to get a job.

- Snape

Have a problem that you want to ask Snape? Simply email him at missa@gundamwing.net with the subject Dear Snape and your problem will be answered. * Please note: Do not send real problems, only fake ones. We here at Paw Print are in no way qualified to help with real life problems and are very sarcastic in our responses. Thank you.