Hello to all of you wonderful Paw Print readers. I have recently been asked, by a fellow minion, for some help with her plan to destroy the world. I must say, her plan was most unsatisfactory and needed some serious revision. To save my other fellow minions from severe embarrassment, being tarred and feathered, or something like that, I present you with 5 simple steps that you too can follow to become Supreme Dictator (or whatever you would like to call yourself.)
Or..
A MINION’S GUIDE TO WORLD DOMINATION (please note: If this were a movie production, you would be hearing loads of evil music being played in the background.)
Courtesy of Selena Astralis.
Step 1: Pretend to be Unsuspecting
This is something *many* wannabe-world-leaders-who-are-still-minions have not perfected. But, aha. Yes, I have. How to be unsuspecting? Pretend to be forgetful. That is one of the *easiest* ways possible. For instance, when your overlord asks you if you have done your article, pretend like you have no clue about what she is talking about. This takes practice, so don’t be discouraged if people say, “Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!” Why is it important to be unsuspecting as a minion? So, if anyone asks you whether you have plots about taking over the world, your eyes can glaze over, and you can “honestly” say you have no clue what they’re talking about. It’s important. Trust me.
Step 2: Establish Yourself
Make sure everyone recognizes you as a minion, evil or not. Think of it in two ways. 1: dog peeing on territory. 2: reverse psychology. If you establish yourself as an evil minion, like saaay, changing your userlevel on the Paw Print forums to read evil minion, then every other minion out there will know your plans. Yet, in a reverse psychology aspect, your overlord will never suspect a thing. What kind of dictator tells their subjects that they are a dictator? In this way, if you tell everyone you are evil, they will think you are joking. In my many years as an evil minion, I have learned that reverse psychology is always your friend.
Step 3: Take Over the Quit Messages of the World
This is simple, yet very effective. You get your name out as a quit-message-taker-over, and also, it’s fun seeing your name in quit messages. Besides, it’s easier to start small then proceed to larger things. Is it not much easier to convince a person to put something in their quit message, which they don’t even *see* than it is to convince someone to steal the Mona Lisa. Well, depends on your friends, I suppose.
I have included examples:
* Merlinda has quit IRC (Quit: < Selena> I think I should be in your quit message, Merlinda.
* Kitty has quit IRC (Quit: < Selena> The song I'm listening to right now is Irish punk. It just makes you think of Riverdance with Mohawks. - Look! Sel's in my quit message! She's taking over the world, you know, one quit message at a time.)
* Intrinsic has quit IRC (Quit: [this quit message has been taken over by Selena])
Step 4: Use Duct tape
Have you ever seen the movie Fight Club? How about that bit about soap. “Use soap.” Or something to that extent. Yes, soap is good. Although Fight Club wasn’t about taking over the world, duct tape still plays an important part in world domination.
For one thing, you can tape all your top secret plants together, so no one can read them. You can also duct tape people who know too much’s mouths. This comes in handy. And, it’s much cleaner than murder.
You can also make bracelets. Whee!
Step 5: Secretly Train Attack Squirrels (This Step for Extremist Minions Only.)
Squirrels are handy. They’re cute, furry, and sometimes brown. However, they are also lethal attack weapons. Once trained, these squirrels can replace the Air Force/Army/Navy/whichever else! Plus, they’re a lot more huggable.
A fellow minion/wannabe dictator of mine, Merlinda Gandore (who so kindly let me take over her quit message) has toyed with the idea of a squirrel army. As seen in Kitty Monroe’s “B-Movie,” she raises squirrels and sends them out to attack. Very effective, I might add. (And the sweaters add a nice touch.) Affordable, for the poverty stricken minion that you probably are. Fierce, for those minions who like to see little squirrels chewing things. And cute. Because what kind of minion can resist a nice cuddle with a squirrel?
However, since you are a minion, even if you achieve world domination, you will ultimately be unsuccessful. Why, you ask? Because being a dictator takes too much work, and since you are undoubtedly a top quality minion, you’re also lazy. Eventually, you will want to go take a nap. Which is what I am going to do right now.
Disclaimer: Please note, Minions, Inc.© does not guarantee that you will take over the world. These steps will only work if the planets are aligned, the moon is blue, pigs are migrating to Sweden, and your shoe size is 8 ½. Sorry for any inconveniences.