This month: Squirrels, a cloning machine (but no cloning), scantily clad reporters, and an ending that leaves itself open for sequels, in the bad Behind the Scenes B movie: Squirrelinda.

Squirrelinda (to herself): Yes. I must set my plans in motion. *rubs hands together diabolically*
Selena (from outside): Merlinda! I know you’re in there! I can hear you!
Squirrelinda: Yes, soon. Very soon now.
Selena: Let me in right this minute!
Squirrelinda: *sighing* Oh, all right, I’m coming. *opens door*
Selena: It’s about time! It took me forever to find you. What is this room, anyway? I’ve never seen it before. *looks around* Oh, a secret lab! You have a cloning machine too! It looks just like the one I have!
Squirrelinda: Yes, I used your blueprints.
Selena: My blueprints? Those are confidential! How did you-
Squirrelinda: *holds up a cage* Look what I have!
Selena: OH! Squirrels!

Scene 2
Inside the Paw Print offices. Everyone is sitting around a large table, drinking butterbeer, as usual.

Emerson: I’ve been hearing some strange things lately.
Missa: Yeah, like what?
Emerson: People have been reporting strange clicking noises in the night, nuts have mysteriously disappeared, holes have been chewed in clothing.
Kitty: No offense, Em, but since when is that odd? Everyone knows that the castle has mice.
Emerson: Yeah, but this doesn’t seem random. It’s like it has a purpose.
Missa: *looking skeptical* Right. Well, go ahead and check in on that, Em.
Emerson: Alright, I’m off to follow some leads! *runs off*
Kitty: You know what really *is* odd, though?
Missa: *takes a long swig of butterbeer* The fact that anyone on this staff besides me actually wants to do a news article?
Kitty: Well, besides that. I haven’t seen Selena anywhere, recently.

*ominous music plays in background*

Scene 3
Emerson’s investigation has lead him down to Squirrelinda’s secret lab.

Emerson: *knocking on door* Hello? Anyone home? *pounds on door and it swings open* What’s this? It looks like a secret lab of some sort. *Em hears chittering behind him and turns slowly around* Selena!

* Selena stands in a corner, surrounded by squirrels *

Selena: Glerf!
Emerson: Where have you been?! Everyone’s been looking for you!
Selena: *makes clicking noises* Glerf?
Emerson: *walks over to Selena* Are you alright? You’re acting strange.

*All of the sudden, the squirrels around Selena become excited*

Squirrelinda: *walking through the door* That’s not Selena anymore.
Emerson: *swinging around* Merlie! What do you mean?
Squirrelinda: Her name is Glerf now. She is one of my minions.
Emerson: Uh, Merl, did you happen to get a hold of an extra strong batch of butterbeer?
Squirrelinda: I am no longer Merlinda. I am the queen of the squirrels, I am SQUIRRELINDA! *much booming music in the background*
Emerson: Uh, right. I think I’ll just... be... running quickly away from-you-now-bye! *runs out of room with much shrieking and waving of arms*
Squirrelinda: Get him my pretties! *thinking to herself* Wait, that line is copyrighted, isn’t it? Oh well.

* the legion of squirrels runs off in pursuit of Em *

Scene 4
A week later, in the Paw Print offices. Missa and Kitty are the only ones there.

Missa: You know, if people aren’t going to do their articles, they could at least say something.
Kitty: Hmm, maybe they can’t. Seems to me that a lot of people have gone missing. Not just our fellow reporters.
Missa: That’s true. Well, you know what this means.
Kitty: We have to investigate.
Missa: I’ll get the hair dye and the duct tape.
Kitty: I’ll get the glitter and the vegetables.

30 minutes later-

Missa (now with purple hair and a giant duct tape M over the chest of her robe): I’m ready.
Kitty (covered head to toe in glitter and sporting bright blue hair): Me too. *hands Missa a carrot* For self defense.
Missa: *raises an eyebrow*
Kitty: What? I don’t see any swords laying around, do you?
Missa: *shrugs*
Kitty: And if I get hungry, I have a snack. *grins*

Scene 5
Now in the dungeons of Hogwarts, Missa and Kitty have been unable to locate any Paw Print staff. They are unaware that they are being followed by a pack of...*dramatic music* LITTLE FUZZY RODENTS!

Missa: The more I think about this, the more it seems like something form a bad B-movie. Kitty: Yes, you’re right. Right about now, we’d find a clue as to what we’re looking for. Missa: Shouldn’t there have been some scantily clad people, running around, and shrieking loudly?

*Kitty and Missa turn the corner, and find that they are being rushed by a group of scantily clad students (as much as any people wearing full length robes can be scantily clad), who are all shrieking loudly*

Kitty: What the...?
Missa: Is that our staff?!
Kitty: They aren’t wearing any ... SHOES OR SOCKS!!
Not-so-scantily-clad Emerson: AAAHH!
Not-so-scantily-clad Kiara: NOO!! They’ve found us!
Not-so-scantily-clad Emerson: WE’RE DOOMED!
Missa: *scowling* Finishing one article a month is NOT that hard.
Not-so-scantily-clad Kiara: *looks to the hallway beyond Missa and Kitty* THEY’RE HERE!
Kitty: Yes, I think we’ve established that.
Not-so-scantily-clad Emerson: THE SQUIRRELS! RUN!

*Much more high-pitched shrieking and flailing of arms ensues as the not-so-scantily-clad students turn and run back the way they came.*

Missa: Did EM just call us squirrels?

*Kitty and Missa stare blankly down the corridor after the once again missing staff, when from behind them erupts ... loud clicking noises! * more ominous music as they turn to look for the source*

Kitty: *blinks*
Missa: Wow, look, squirrels. There must be, of, 10 or 15 of them. *looks quizzical*
Kitty: And they’re wearing little tiny sweaters that say “Squirrelinda’s Little Pretties”...

*Suddenly, the squirrels rush forward onto Kitty and Missa’s feet and ... JUST SIT THERE!*

Missa and Kitty: ...
Missa: This has to be the least scary thing I have ever heard of...
Kitty: Did I just hear a cricket chirp?
*The squirrels continue to ... JUST SIT THERE!*

Missa: So ... let’s move along.
Kitty: Right.

*Our heroines wade though the squirrels, even as the squirrels (drum roll) ... CONTINUE TO SIT THERE!*

Kitty: Squirrels, Squirrelinda... Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Missa: Let’s go find Merlie.

*As Missa and Kitty round the next corner, the squirrels suddenly ... RUN AWAY!*
*even more ominous music*

Scene 6
Squirrelinda’s secret lab. Squirrelinda sits inside, playing ... uh ... nefariously toying with ... a pile of chestnuts.

Squirrelinda: Mmm, nuts are good. *drool* I mean ... SOON I WILL RULE THE WORLD! Heh heh.

*The pack of squirrels enter the room (don’t ask how a bunch of tiny rodents could open a large metal door ... come on, it’s a B-movie).*

Squirrelinda: Yes, my pretties, what is it? *grins insanely*
Squirrel #1: Click. Chitter. Chitter.
Squirrelinda: *frowning* I know that’s probably copyrighted. It doesn’t matter, I’m going to RULE THE WORLD.
Squirrel #2: Chitter. Click. Chitter.
Squirrelinda: Fine, fine. I’ll call you “my fuzzies”. How’s that?
Squirrel group: Click. Click. Click. Chitter ... chitterclick.
Squirrelinda: They WHAT? How could they know that I am the one behind this?!
Squirrel #1: Click. Chitter.
Squirrelinda: Oh, right. The sweaters.

*Suddenly, (everything happens suddenly in a B-movie, did you notice?) there is loud knocking on the door*

Squirrelinda: Oh no! They’ve found me!

*Muffled voices coming from the corridor*

Kitty: How do you open this thing?!
Missa: It can’t be that hard! Those little furballs opened it 5 minutes ago!
Squirrelinda: Glerf! Subdue them!

*Glerf shuffles over to the doorway and opens the door*
Glerf: Glerf?
Kitty: Selena?
Missa: What happened to you?
Glerf: glerf.

*Our heroines spy Squirrelinda trying to climb out a window with a large sack of nuts*

Missa: A window? Aren’t we in the basement?
Kitty: You know, I have no idea.
Missa: Merlinda Gandore, stop that right NOW!
Squirrelinda: *turning around and pouting* I’m not Merlinda, I’m SQUIRRELINDA, and I will RULE THE WORLD!
Kitty: ...Did you get into an extra strong batch of butterbeer, Merlie?
Squirrelinda: NO! Stop calling me that! *stomps feet and whines*
Missa: *looks around the room* Well, there’s only one cure for this...

1 hour later-
Merlinda and Selena have been locked in a soundproof room, where they are being subjected not only to Celine Dion CD’s, but also Celine Dion televised specials. If one could hear the sounds within, one would hear, (assuming it is possible for anything to be heard over Celine’s banshee-like screeching) loud terrified sobbing and retching.

Kitty: Won’t this make them even more insane?
Missa: I hoping for a reverse psychology effect. Well, time to check on them.

*Missa walks over and opens the door, and is almost knocked over by the two people trying to escape*

Missa: Now so fast! What are your names?
Merlinda: *sobbing* My name is Merlinda Gandore! Please make it STOP!
Missa: Alright, you can come out. *eyes Selena* And you?
Selena: Selena Astralis! Selena Astralis!
Missa: *smirking* It always works.
Kitty: Welcome back, guys!

*Happy music plays in the background*

Epilogue:
A squirrel reserve has been set up on an island in the middle of the lake. Everyone is once again assembled in the main Paw Print office. Merlinda has been allowed to join, though she’s not technically staff.

Kitty: So, Merlie, how did you become Squirrelinda, again?
Merlinda: A squirrel bit me. *rubs hand where a faint scar appears*
Missa: So, did you turn into a squirrel? Like what happens to people when they’re bitten by a werewolf?
Merlinda: Nope.
Emerson: So... you just started calling yourself Squirrelinda, then?
Merlinda: Yeah, and wanting to take over the world. That’s pretty much it.
Kitty: So... does that mean squirrels want to take over the world?

*Scene flashes to Squirrel Island and ominous music once again begins to play. The squirrels can be seen stockpiling nuts and bending over ... little teeny MAPS?!*
*final burst of ominous music*

The End