For this issue’s Gossip in the Common room we have decided to make a little twist and instead of bringing you the usual Gryffindor gossip. We proudly present the very secret diary of Ron Jimmy Potter-Weasley The Fourth, a Gryffindor student. His year and date of join will remain secret for the obvious reasons but your second years assure you that he is NOT a second year, but then again… if he was a second year I’d deny it too.
Ron Jimmy Potter-Weasley is an actual Gryffindor ladies and gentlemen, this is not some stupid annoying made up character parody to entertain your second years in any way what so ever and above it all it is NOT the product of a Sunday afternoon crisis of boredom of your favourite Paw Print columnist.
This diary was found in Mr. McNish’s desk drawer “dangerous, do not open” and now we know why. Inside this drawer our squirrels found not only this diary with a post-it on top that said “unreadable” but also Mr. McNish’s bourbon and a picture of The Queen Of Hearts in a bikini. Our squirrel spies are currently being treated for the trauma they suffered after seeing such a horrible and disturbing sight.
We apologise before hand if our beloved readers have problems understanding what our mysterious Gryffindor wrote but it was impossible to translate the whole diary from net speak to actual English. The first part was easy but after long hours of translating the impossible our squirrels and purple elephants got extremely tired. They worked as hard as they could to do the translation you will see below.
The Very Secret Diary of Ron Jimmy Potter-Weasley The Fourth
Day One:
First day at Hogwarts. Must get in Gryffindor, nothing else’ll do. Ppls say I should b in Hufflepuff but no. I’ll get in 2 Gryffindor no matter what. Will manipulate sorting hat if necessary. Must find sorting hat.
Day Two:
I AM A GRYFFINDOR!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UH MAH GOD!!!!! THIS IS LIKE SO COMPLETELY TOTALLY AMAZINGLY EXCITING!!! HA!!! I *KNEW* I BELONG IN GRYFFINDOR!!! WOOHOOOO!!! And that little innocent spell I cast on dah old sorting hat had absolutely nothing do 2 with it.
Note to self: must return littl red book 2 the restricted section of dah library bf angry librarian dude notices.
Day Five:
OMG DOODS! Ppls have brooms!! I want one!!! Must go ahead and post in every single thread I find and start new threads 2 get broom. Will post everywhere and anything.
Day Eight:
Ppls complaining cuz I posts a lot. 20 posts per day is not lot! Mods on my case about posts and now they sai ma sign is oversizd!!! Man!! So far only 60 posts… broom so close!!
Day Nine:
Wazzup diary?!!?!?!?!! Finally got broom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! posted 40 posts today and finally got it!!! I am SO cool!!!! I gots a broom in 9 days!!!!!!!! It don’t get better than me, I’ma go ask ppls 2 play quiddy with ma new broom!!!
Day Twelve:
Discovered broom is useless and now have angry prefect gurl on my case cuz of dah 40 posts 3 dayz ago. Said dah posts has 2 b redable and need 2 hav more words! Like postin’ juss “cool” is sumwaht called spam or sumthin!! Will complain to all profs. And the Headmaster.
Day fifteen:
Lost sum points for that spam stuff. Man this suks!!! Head Boi dood told me to read sumthin called FAQ. Dunno what FAQ is… prefect gurl that yelled to me dah otha dai told me to read that 2. must b sum sorta book or sumthin… me don’t do books so surry dood. Not readin’ it!
To be continued…
Author’s note: Please do not confuse him with Ron Jimmy Potter-Weasley The Third or Ron Jimmy Potter-Weasley The Fifth for this is an entirely different person.
Know any juicy gossip that you want to share with us?
E-mail your wonderful princess of the universe, goddess of beauty and wisdom,
ruler of Larissa, Gryffindor gossip queen and cheerleading captain, etc, etc.
at kiki@hol.org.uk or kiara_bell@hotmail.com