This issue brings to you the many, many reasons why you should not let people who are: sarcastic, weird, twisted, mental, obscenely moronic, and hyper-active work together.
Key:
Italics are thoughts
bold is emphasis
*…..* is action.

Cast:
Emerson: Little Red Riding Hood
Missa: The Hunter
Billy Corgan: The Wolf
Kitty: Winky the House-Elf
Heather: Dobby The House-Elf
Celine Dion: The Grandmother
Selena: The insane Billy Corgan Stalker
Jessa: Narrator
Kiki: The Hunter's Gun

Emerson (Weirding Hood): *comes bounding in the room wearing a red dress, floofy hair ribbons and carrying a basket* Oooh! We're doing a play! A play! And I get to be Little Red Riding Hood! Wheee!

Jessa (Narrator): Gee. Thanks for ruining any part I might have had at the opening of this play. Get back behind that curtain before I throw non-washable paint on that pretty dress of yours.

Weirding Hood: *runs like a madman/woman*

Narrator: Ahem. Welcome to our production of Little Red Weirding Hood, the adapted version of Little Red Riding Hood. This play is intended for people with a sense of humor, so if you don't find it funny then you're as thick as a brick. Now on with the play.

*curtain rises*

Narrator: Little Red Riding Hood was walking as slowly as she could through the forest to her Grandmother's house.

Weirding Hood: *slowly walking* Why me? Why do I have to have her as a Grandmother. I mean, Marilyn Manson is better. Anything is better. Oh why me? Celine Dion. Ugh. I am going to have to listen to hours of her disgusting singing. When I get back home I am going to kill my mother.

Wolf (Billy Corgan): *appears from behind a tree having heard Em's outloud conversation with himself* Oh sweet. If this little girlie makes it to her Grandmother's house, then I'll get to eat her and her grandmother. What a treat. I would just eat her here, but the forest is that spider's turf. I wonder how gullible she really is. And besides, Celine Dion is possibly the worst thing to grace this earth. Nowhere near as good as I am. I'll be doing the industry a favor. *walks up to Emerson*

Wolf: Hey Pretty in Pink, how's it hanging?

Weirding Hood: This isn't that movie!! It's a play. A play! And I'm Little Red Weirding Hood! I look nothing like Molly Ringwald!

Wolf: *backs away slightly* Sorry. It was just an expression, you looking so good in that dress and all. My god, I hate this play already, I'm talking to a boy and calling him pretty. "Weirding" is right... What is wrong with these Gryffindors?! Anyway, where are you headed?

Weirding Hood: Hey, maybe the wolf will go kill my grandmother or something if I pay him... I'm heading to my Grandmother's house. She lives at 3621 - I Stink Road - The Dilapidated Building - Edge of the Forest. She is really old and feeble and can't defend herself at all.

Wolf: What a moron Oh, want some company on your walk there?

Narrator: Suddenly a screaming mad woman comes running through the forest.

Selena (Insane Billy Corgan Stalker): I will find you! You can't hide from me! I'll clone you, just like I did Remus! *sees wolf and Em* Have either of you seen Billy Corgan? Possibly the bestest signer in all of history? I need him for cloning. Or marrying. Or just tying him up in chains so he can sing to me whenever I tell him to.

Wolf: Oh no. She's here. I thought I got rid of her when I shoved her in a box and sent her to play with the squirrels in Yosemite. Must not talk, must not talk ...

Weirding Hood: I'm sorry crazy lady. I haven't seen him anywhere.

Stalker: Oh dear. And I thought I heard his voice. *sigh* He has such a cool voice.

Wolf: Must not talk, must not talk

Stalker: Well, I best be off. I know he's here somewhere! *runs away screaming for Billy Corgan*

Wolf: I better run before she comes back. *runs the opposite direction of Selena*

Weirding Hood: *pouting* Aww. And here I thought the hot wolf was going to walk with me. Man, now who will kill that banshee dressed as a woman?

*curtain closes as Em walks deeper into the forest*

*Sounds of crashing, banging and yells of "Catch that squirrel!" can be heard from behind the curtain*

*curtain rises to show an old run down building with two house-elfs and what looks to be a hag*

Grandmother (Celine Dion): *singing* "Empty rooms - Crowded by the past - Time is my enemy - Days keep moving faster - But the nights alone can be - An eternity - That never heals the scars - Of foolish pride" *stops signing and stares into the fire.*

Heather (Dobby): *Whispering to Winky* Master could not have said better. Master washed up. Master must be dark wizard who lost power.

Kitty (Winky): Dobby should not say such things! Dobby is House Elf. House Elf cannot say bad about Master. Even if Master horrible singer with no talent. *grabs her ears and bangs her head against the wall* Bad Winky! Bad Winky!

Dobby: I is paid House Elf. I's can say what I's want to.

Grandmother: *signing yet again* "I tried to swallow my pride - But I felt my heart start to tremble inside - Wish I didn't know cause I can't let you go - Tell me" *grabs butterbeer* Oh why have my wonderful fans deserted me? Why do they run like I am a banshee?

Dobby: *covering ears* Master, Dobby cannot handle you's singing. Dobby has sensitive ears.

Winky: *trying to console Celine while covering her ears* There, there master. You's will be back on top. You's just need Imperious Curse to controls people.

Dobby: I's tell you Master, what you is wanting to know. Fans leave because you's singing sucks.

*suddenly there is a knock at the door*

Narrator: And now for what you all knew was coming...

Winky: *opens door* Hi Mr. Wolf Sir.

Wolf: Hello House Elf. These things have got to be the ugliest things on the planet!!! May I come in?

Winky: What business has you with Master?

Wolf: Ok, grammar is a must with these things. I am here to eat her.

Winky: Winky so happy you here Mr. Wolf! I's paid House-Elf like Dobby, but I's no liking paying. Is you needing someone to cook, clean and be in your general presence for free?

Wolf: Suuure...

Winky: Come in Mr. Wolf, come in!

Wolf: *walks in and stops dead in his tracks looking at the Grandmother* Correction, that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.

Grandmother: *is too busy staring into the fire singing to notice the Wolf*

Dobby: *to Winky* Why is wolf here?

Winky: He is gonna eat master!

Dobby: Dobby go back to Hogwarts! Dobby get to drink in kitchens! Winky come drink with Dobby?

Winky: I's Wolf's house-elf now, but Winky go drink with Dobby. I's heard kitchen have Salad Shooter now!

Grandmother: *turns and notice the wolf* Oooh! A fan! And what a fan you are! I'm so happy I can sing!! *promptly starts signing* "Every night in my dreams - I see you, I feel you, - That is how I know you go on - Far across the distance - And spaces between us - You have come to show you go on..." *continues signing*

Wolf: *cringing in horror* Oh god. Must shut her up. Must shut her up. *does the first thing that comes to mind and swallows her*

Grandmother: *can still be heard singing as she goes down, but the singing abruptly stops*

Wolf: Oh god. I need something to drink. Quick! That's the nastiest flavor ever!

Dobby: *snaps his fingers* I is providing it! I is providing! *a glass of something appears in the Wolf's hands*

Wolf: *gulps it down* Whoa! What is this! I can't feel my mouth or anything!

Dobby: I's not telling you, I isn't.

Wolf: Ugh.. I don't feel so good. *lays down in the grandmother's bed*

*curtain closes*

*behind the curtain male shouts of, "I'm dying, I'm dying!" Can be heard.*

*curtain rises to reveal The Hunter, her trusty talking machine gun Kiki strapped to her back walking through the woods*

Narrator: This is the hunter. When hunting only one animal/person/small country she tends to carry only her gun. Otherwise, she has a fully loaded arsenal of weapons at her disposal.

Hunter (Missa): Where is that woman? Her insane voice will drive people to madness one day and she must be dealt with!

Gun (Kiara): *mutters* What about your madness?

Hunter: Stuff it gun.

*large yells are heard resounding throughout the forest*

Hunter: That might be her. *pulls out gun and goes to investigate.*

Stalker: Billy! Billy! Where are you!!!!!

Hunter: Ok, it's a different weirdo instead.

Stalker: *runs up to hunter* Have you seen my boytoy Billy? Well he doesn't know he's my boytoy yet, but he will when I find him!

Gun: Have you ever heard of obsessive?

Stalker: Oh whoa! You're gun talks! Awesomeness. Does it do tricks as well.

Gun: If only I had a hand to show you...

Hunter: No, I haven't seen this Billy person. Have you seen the most disgusting singer in the world?

Stalker: Celine Dion? Yeah, I heard her singing from a house a while ago.

Hunter: *perks up* Can you show me? I have some killing to do.

Stalker: Shore. But only if you help me search for my Billy!

Hunter: Deal.

Gun: Great, now I have to deal with another weirdo.

*curtain closes*

*curtain rises and we are back at Grandmother's house. The Wolf is in the bed, dying from indigestion. Little Red Weirding Hood walks in the door*

Narrator: Welcome to the scene you all knew was coming. Please keep snickering to a minimum. Again, if you don't think that there is anything to snicker about then you have no sense of humor.

Wolf: *clutching stomach* Hello Little Red Weirding Hood.

Weirding Hood: *dull voice* Hello Grandmother.

Wolf: Come closer my dear, sweet girl.

Weirding Hood: *Shuffles closer* Grandmother, what big eyes you have!

Wolf: It's called mascara my dear.

Weirding Hood: What a big nose you have! Bigger than normal, if that's even possible.

Wolf: Plastic surgery gone wrong my dear.

Weirding Hood: Grandmother, what big teeth you have!

Wolf: You saying I'm buck toothed, you little snot nosed cross dresser?!

Narrator: *Throws a tomato at the Wolf* Stick to the script.

Weirding Hood: My! What a lot of hair you have grandmother!

Wolf: I forgot to shave ok? Why are you talking so much?

Weirding Hood: Why aren't you singing you old hag?

Wolf: Ack, my cover is blown! That's because I'm not your grandmother. I'm the Big Bad (and insanely popular) Wolf!

Weirding Hood: Where is my grandmother?!

Wolf: I ate her. And I would eat you too, except she made me so sick that I think I'm dying.

Weirding Hood: Thank you! Thank you for eating her! I'll go get a doctor to save your life for doing such a wonderful thing!

Wolf: *as Weirding Hood heads for the door* What a freak!

*as Little Red Weirding Hood reaches the door it is swung open*

Hunter: Is this where the worst singer on Earth lives?

Gun: Well duh. Scary stalker girl brought us here. What are you, an idiot?

Hunter: Shut up gun!

Weirding Hood: The Wolf ate her! But she's killing him from the inside! Please you've got to save him!

Hunter: I must save him! I must kill her myself! *rushes over to Wolf* I will save you good sir!

Wolf: Thank you!

Stalker: AIEEEEEEE!!!!! Billy!!!!

Wolf: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no!!!

Stalker: *runs to Billy* My dear Billy. The only thing that will save you is an emergency stomach pump!

Wolf: ...I don't want to know... I really don't...

Stalker: I happen to have a portable one right here. If you promise to be my slave I'll let you use it.

Wolf: Would I rather die first? No. I have fans left. All right all right. I agree.

Hunter: Oooh. Ooooh! *jumping up and down* When Celine comes out, I get to kill her! Me!! Me, me, me!!!

Gun: Technically, I'm killing her.

Hunter: Shut up Gun!

*scene closes as the Stalker pulls out the stomach pump*

Narrator: The next part is too graphic to show you, so we will skip onto the killing.

*curtain rises to see the Wolf healed, bound with a collar, the leash leading to the Stalker, Celine Dion unconcious on the floor, Little Red Weirding Hood applying mascara in the mirror, and the Hunter taking aim.*

Grandmother: What, happened to me? I'm so confused I could sing!

Everyone: NO!!!!!!!!!

Hunter: *points his gun and puts a round of slugs in Celine*

*Curtain Closes*

*curtain rises and we see Dobby and Winky in the kitchens*

Narrator: And back at Hogwarts...

Winky: Now I's is having no master! Winky cannot be servant to slave. What is Winky to do?

Dobby: Winky is coming with Dobby. We go make salad.

*curtain closes*

Narrator: And thus concludes this utterly pointless play.

*shuffling noises are heard and the Wolf is pulled through the curtain by The Stalker*

Selena: I command you to sing!

Wolf: *sighs and starts* “You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth - And our lives are forever changed - We will never be the same...”

*suddenly hordes of raving Gryffindor girls rush the stage and everything fades to black*