Big Bird, the Big Henchbird
by Missa Matz

We here at the Paw Print have an exclusive to bring to you students of the Gryffindor house. Big Bird has joined with the Seagull Mafia and is now a direct hench-bird of the Mafia's don. We can see some eyebrows raising in disbelief, perhaps we should explain first what the Seagull Mafia is, where it came from and how we know it exists.

The Seagull Mafia has been around since the beginning of time, but they have recently made their existence known to those here at Hogwarts, and Gryffindor more precisely. The Seagull Mafia has been terrorizing muggle students you live near oceans, large bodies of water, or open plains. Merlinda Gandore recounts when she first became aware of the Mafia's existence. "It must have been within a few weeks of seeing them at [muggle] school. They'd flock about and seemed menacing in an almost calculated manner. I figured there must have been something more organized behind what were designed to look like sporadic attacks. That's when I discovered their secret layer on top of the gym, after hearing the loud banging noises of their meetings."

The fact that the Seagull Mafia has migrated to Hogwarts does not surprise Miss Gandore in the least. "There's a lot of good food here." Merlinda told us about a couple of food snatching incidents at her muggle school. "At first they weren't terribly aggressive and would mostly eat trash, but then they decided that [garbage picking] was below them, so they would swoop down and grab food while your back was turned, or sometimes even right in front of you. If you put up a fight, they would peck at your face."

As frightening as the Seagull Mafia may sound, there is a resistance forming against them. They Squirrel Resistance have taken it upon their furry selves to help educate and bring awareness to the students here at Hogwarts. They were contacted when students Emerson Potter, Merlinda Gandore, Selena Astralis and Seven Ashitaka noticed the numbers of seagulls increasing. As Ashitaka stated, "I knew we needed reinforcements when they raided a Cracker Bank [factory]. It was a horrible mess." Selena Astralis, an avid squirrel fan, gives us some insight as to why she joined the resistance. "Squirrels are the complete epitome of cute. You could just cuddle (or bite) then and then play with their ickle bushy tails. Not only are they cute, but they are extremely smart, with the storing of acorns and such." Seven Ashitaka's reasoning is more simplistic. "Because they are the only ones who are active against the Seagull Mafia."

Now that Big Bird has joined the Seagull Mafia, there is a larger spectrum of feelings and concerns, but spirits still remain high. When learning that this loveable bird had turned to the side of evil, many people were shocked. "Wow, add Big Bird to the Seagull Mafia and you have an evil bunch of attack-birds that scare even the bravest football player. Also, the yellowness of Big Bird adds to the terror when you are being attacked," said Miss Astralis. Merlinda Gandore was saddened by the news. "I'm disappointed. I didn't think he would fall to the dark side as easily as the flamingos and sparrows."

The reasons behind Big Bird's defection can only be speculated at. Was bird seed no longer fulfilling enough? Was it peer pressure? Was it just a case of birds joining birds? Emerson Potter holds his own theory on the matter. "Big Bird's younger brother, Blue Bird at one time worked for the Seagull Mafia. He attacked my muggle school one day and in self defense; I gave him Alka-Seltzer. Blue Bird was a six foot blue jay and to a five year old, that is a scary thing." This reporter just would like to note that someone in Big Birds family is a cheater since Big Bird is a Canary and his brother was a Blue Jay. When asked what happened to Blue Bird, Potter sighed remorsefully. "The alka-seltzer killed him. From that moment on, I became part of the Squirrel Resistance, because of their cause and protection." Could Big Bird's defection have been caused by this traumatic experience? It is quite possible.

What should we do now, in order to protect ourselves from these growing menaces? Ashitaka seems to side with his muggle weaponry and tricks. "You can always blow them up. But always keep alka-seltzer and rice handy. Their digestive system cannot handle those two items." "Trust in the Squirrels," said Emerson Potter, "I heard the Snufflelaufaguss has joined their ranks." When asked what she though about Snuffle's allegiance with the Squirrels, Miss Gandore replied, "Quite frankly, I have no idea what species he is, or if he even is a valid species. He could just be a seagull in a costume for all we know. We have to be very careful of him. He’s not very kindly to being petted and that is definitely disturbing."

We here at the Paw Print only wish to bring this dangerous and ever-developing problem to the public. Keep your eyes open and be wary. Remember, owls are birds too. Birds of a feather flock together, and birds will always be birds. So keep an eye out for any deviant owls.